It's 3:45 a.m. Why am I up?

(Photo: Bahman Farzad)

Because I feel as though I didn't really get anything done today, and I still want to.

But what? What can I produce at this hour, without spending another hour, that could be of interest or use?

A question, that's what.

Here you go, then:

What would you set out to do, if you knew you could not fail?

Hike the Himalayas?

Plant thousands of trees?

Sing in the street?

Build a billion-dollar enterprise?

Consider this your safe space, for uttering what you might not dare to whisper otherwise. Sometimes hearing our voices speak a thing makes it easier to believe that it could happen. (Not will, or even should - those things come later. Just, could.)

It's 4 a.m. What better time to dream aloud?

What would you do, if you knew you could not fail?

Eureka! (Or Rather, "Duh!") - Discovering A Distinction That I Probably Already Knew

I have perplexed myself for years with a disconnect between thoughts and actions. I don't remember when I first noticed that certain mental occurrences that I thought were decisions really weren't, because decisions issue in action. Decisions are what you do, not what you think about, not what you wish for.

After all, the Latin roots of "decide" mean, "to cut off," as in, "to cut off other possibilities," or "to cut off further consideration." Decisions end discussions, including internal ones.

Anyway, ever since that making that realization, I've wanted a word to describe mental occurrences that feel like decisions, but aren't. It just now struck me that the word has been in my vocabulary forever: choices. Once you've decided, you've decided, but you can choose and re-choose forever.

Choices change, decisions don't.

At least, that's what I'm going to work with until I find a better formulation. From now until then, my encouraging word to myself is:

Make fewer choices, and more decisions.

B.C. and Me, Part 1: Rediscovering Fire

If you've been with me for a while, you know that I have several business ventures underway, and that one of them is being an independent representative for LegalShield. About a month ago, my mentor in the business, Phil Berger, loaned me a copy of "Building an Empire:The Most Complete Blueprint to Building a Massive Network Marketing Business," by Brian Carruthers. Mr. Carruthers is one of the highest earners in the history of LegalShield; the book's cover says he has more than 350,000 people in his downline team.


             

Phil told me that the book would be a quick read.

Maybe it is for most folks. In my case, I started off fairly quickly, but soon had to slow down - not because I found it hard to follow, but because I found it hard to swallow.

My first speed bump was on page 16, where Carruthers says that there are three things required to succeed in network marketing, and the very first thing he names is "having a burning desire."

I had heard that before and had always recoiled from it, telling myself that a burning desire was not necessary, that the only thing necessary was a specific set of behaviors.

I told myself that for years. This time, when I saw "having a burning desire" listed as the first requirement for success in network marketing, something different happened: I questioned my own response. WHY was I so turned off by the idea?

After all, even if it's true that the only thing really necessary to success is a specific set of behaviors, does not a burning desire make those behaviors more likely? So what was my problem?

Once I asked the question, the answer was all to familiar: Fear. This time, the fear of disappointment, rooted in the experience of having been disappointed so many times.

Then, it occurred to me that many of those disappointments resulted from failing to do what I might have done had I maintained a burning desire. So I have gotten caught in a pattern in which fear dampens desire, which in turn inhibits behavior, thereby producing results that confirm the fear....ARRGGHHHH...

Here's the real kicker: I ENJOY HAVING A BURNING DESIRE. It feels GOOD! Heck, it feels GREAT!! Especially when the burning desire is not merely for something as paltry as a certain sum of money, but is on the order of changing the world.

So given the benefits of having a burning desire, and the extent to which the fear of disappointment suppresses burning desire, the next question was, "What can obliterate the fear of disappointment?" Not, enable me to work around it or trudge through it. Obliterate it.

The answer came instantly: confidence obliterates fear. Mega-confidence. Hyper-confidence. Faith.

And what bases do I have for such confidence? The list came quickly:

1. Other people's experiences: there are a whole bunch of people who have done well with LegalShield, and some who have done ridiculously well. Brian Carruthers is one of the latter.
2. My own experience: Last year, I finally engaged in some very basic behavior as a LegalShield rep that could get me paid, and it did.
3. The law of numbers: The more people I talk to about LegalShield, the more will say yes. Simple.
4. The power of practice: The more I pay attention as I talk to more people, the better I will get at it, and the more people will say yes.
5. The help and encouragement of peers and mentors: I am part of a group of LegalShield reps who meet monthly to help each other along, and I recently learned of a weekly meeting nearby.
6. The company: Formerly Pre-Paid Legal, LegalShield has been around for 40+ years. If I do my part, they'll send the checks.
7. Ephesians: Seriously - how can I believe that and not have mega-hyper-confidence?

Discovering that list within myself sparked an emotion that I had experienced too little in recent years, and that I want to prime myself to experience much more of in my remaining years: eagerness - the energizing blend of confidence plus urgency, often topped with curiosity: "I can't wait to see what happens!" 

With all that in mind and in heart, the flame of desire begins to stir. There are some things that I really want, dang it:

I really want to establish a passive income of $50,000 a year. Because I want to devote myself to changing the world, not to paying bills. And because I want to play with money, not toil for money.

I really want to enroll 500 people as LegalShield members so that they can to live more wisely, more powerfully, more confidently and more prosperously by having access to a national network of law firms.

I really want to help 50 people to earn $100,000 - or to otherwise achieve their dreams - as LegalShield representatives.

There's more, but I want to define it more clearly before declaring it. And those three are enough to expand me; they're enough to make my flame grow.

*****************
NEXT: B.C. And Me, Part 2: Humbling Myself

The Night My Brain Exploded

(ALERT: NSFW language)

Here's a story:

My mom passed away on May 14, and we held her funeral on Tuesday, May 20. That night, I went to bed around 12:30. That's early for me - I wanted to be well rested for the drive back on Wednesday.

I don't know when Janet came to bed; that didn't rouse me. But when she came back to bed after getting up to use the bathroom, I woke up.

I did not wake up drowsy and tired. I did not wake up merely refreshed. I woke up surging with energy, feeling as if I were ready to explode, because of the dream I had just had. I said something to Janet about wondering whether I should tell her about the dream, but I needed to go to the bathroom.

Dreams fade quickly; by the time I wrote about the dream in my journal, some details had faded. But it went something like this:

I was, it seemed, a new employee in the marketing department of a large company. And somehow I was chairing a meeting of honchos. And I left the meeting and ran into someone from the design department - bumped into him so that he dropped his stuff - and as I was helping him pick it up, either I saw this phrase on one of his papers, or he spoke it: "Change the fucking world."

And it penetrated like a bullet, and set me on fire.

And I went back to my meeting, which was running late, or running long, or both, and instead of feeling scared because of that or apologizing for that, I went in with total swagger because it didn't matter that the meeting was late or long or both, what mattered was that we were going to change the fucking world. And I said so.

And I saw "change the fucking world" becoming a global mantra, with me as chief guru for the attendant movement. I saw myself, like Anthony Robbins (Has he stopped being "Tony"?), onstage in an auditorium filled with thousands - no, tens of thousands - pouring out verbal fire to help them change themselves so that they could change the fucking world.

I saw T-shirts emblazoned with a four-color logo: CTF*W. I saw bumper stickers with the same. Coffee mugs.

I saw myself re-ordering my personal relationships, putting family, friends and acquaintances on notice: "I want people around me who want to change the fucking world. If you don't want to change the fucking world, that's okay - but I gotta ask, 'Why not?'"

And there was was music - a throbbing anthem for full orchestra, led by brass.

And I woke up ready to change the fucking world, NOW.

On my way to the bathroom, I glanced at the wall clock in the kitchen and thought it said 6-something, and concluded that I may as well stay up, because there was no way that I could fall back asleep. I'd do better to start getting ready to leave - I felt like I could drive a thousand miles.

The music was filling my brain, along with the images of T-shirts and bumper stickers and me onstage before tens of thousands ("Now get outta here, and CHANGE THE FUCKING WORLD!" Crowd roar: "YEAAAHHHH!!!"). And, and...

I was linking "Change the fucking world" to the call of Christ and the identity of the Christian:

For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to devote ourselves to the good deeds for which God has designed us.     (Ephesians 2) 

"We're created in Christ Jesus to change the fucking world," I said.

And all of this is happening on a trip to the bathroom, and I want to ACT, so I pick up my phone to check the availability of the website address, changethefuckingworld.com, and I see that...

...it's 3:26 a.m.

WHAT???

I was totally jazzed emotionally, I was almost exploding with physical energy, and my mind was focused like a laser and racing like a lightcycle...

...on three hours of sleep????

I immediately wanted to know, "What brought about this phenomenal state, and how can I get it again?"

My best guess, then and now, is that my state was fueled by having drank multiple glasses of punch at the funeral meal, followed by two cans of Pepsi later. Both my body and brain may have been sent into overdrive by sugar and caffeine.

That answer's a bit disappointing, as I don't want to make massive doses of sugar and caffeine parts of my regular diet. But the question of how to place myself at will into a state of high energy, high confidence and high clarity remains intriguing, to say the least.

It's also possible that my state was fueled in part by a heightened awareness of mortality. I was already working at maintaining an awareness of mortality, so to the extent that that may have been a factor, re-experiencing the state would just be a matter of getting better at that.

For now, I am finding that the very act of recalling the event elicits at least an echo. I do, in fact, want to change the fucking world (tm).

No. Not "want to."

Intend to.

Notes on finally liking my face

Last night, I looked in the mirror and liked what I saw.

I don't mean that I mean experienced a profound satisfaction regarding the character of the man I was viewing.

I mean that I liked my face.

I make note of that because I developed the belief early in life that I was ugly. In elementary school, when I read Hans Christian Andersen's "The Ugly Ducking," I identified totally with it, and dreamed of the day when my swan-ness would become evident, when I would turn out to be handsome and strong and smart. Maybe even rich. But definitely handsome and strong and smart. And it would happen naturally, effortlessly.

Meanwhile, I put up with being ugly. Oh, and short and skinny (I skipped first grade, and was a year younger than my classmates, during a time when a year's growth makes a huge size difference). And my classmates affirmed the non-value of being ugly and short and skinny, while acknowledging that I was smart. And when I learned about romantic love, I hoped to have a blind girl fall for me, because who else would? And I hoped not to have kids, although I wanted them, for fear that they might look like me.

(BTW, I don't recall that this was related to race, as I lived in an overwhelmingly Black neighborhood, and attended an overwhelmingly Black elementary school.)

And the moral of the story is - parents, guard your children's self-esteem regarding their very physical being. Other children may be cruel to your children all day long, and you might never know if you don't pay close attention. Help them, not just to love the person they see in the mirror, but to appreciate the package that that person is wrapped in.

And if your daughter's package includes Down Syndrome, and she says that she wants to become a model, say, "Why not?" Because as Karrie Brown and her mom, Sue Brown, can tell you...you never know:



I eventually concluded that I couldn't really do much about my face, except try to make it pleasant by being a pleasant person. And I eventually got married, which helped a lot. And I've grown accustomed to my face, and have had moments prior to last night when I found myself liking it.

But last night felt different. I don't remember exactly what provoked the moment, but there I was, looking in the mirror, and I thought, "That's an interesting face." Not necessarily handsome, but interesting. Expressive. There's a man behind it who has done things that few people ever do, like writing sonnets and managing a commodities trading limited partnership, who has learned a thing or two, who is still learning, and who is still engaged in the hard work of growing his character (not having it develop "naturally, effortlessly"). And I think my face shows that now, more than it did when I was younger.

And I like that, and expect to continue liking it.

That's the difference - the sense that this matter has finally been decided. Which is a good thing, since I still can't exchange this face for another.

So, time to begin the modeling/acting career?

Three Priorities For 2014 - And Beyond

My mini-bio at the right ends with the slogan, "Christ, commerce, community." Those three words distill so much of my life and so much of what I want to do that my thinking about my priorities for 2014 has come down to three categories of action, related to those three words.

Given my beliefs, abilities, interests, position and location, it seems that as of now, the best uses of Elwin Green in Homewood will be:

• Encouraging fellow members of the Body of Christ,
• Growing businesses, and
• Redeveloping Race Street

Christ, commerce, community.

Theoretically, I could do an infinitude of other things - or at least, try to, venturing limitlessly into other areas. But those three are enough to occupy me, perhaps for the rest of my life (indeed, I intend to have the first two occupy me for the rest of my life, wherever I am. I expect some variation of the third to do so also, as I expect to remain on Race Street for the rest of my life; but that is less certain than the first two).

Christ, commerce, community.

Why write a blog post about this, rather than just noting it in my journal? Because all three of those priorities will require considerable involvement by other people, and because for all I know someone reading this may want to be involved.

Over the next week or so, I will outline specific projects and processes related to each category of action. So come back tomorrow if you'd like to learn how I plan to encourage the Body of Christ in Homewood in 2014.

Christ, commerce, community.

So let it be written. So let it be done.

*******************
Three Priorities: The Complete Series
Three Priorities For 2014 - And Beyond
Three Priorities For 2014: 1 - Encouraging The Body Of Christ
Three Priorities For 2014: 2- Growing Businesses.
Three Priorities For 2014: 2.5 - Why Build Businesses?
Three Priorities For 2014: 2 - Growing Businesses - Legal Shield
Three Priorities For 2014: 2 - Growing Businesses - Homewood Capital Partners
Three Priorities For 2014: 2 - Growing Businesses - Luminaria Productions
Three Priorities For 2014: 3 - Redeveloping Race Street
Three Priorities For 2014: Closing Thoughts

The Creed and Oath of the Lifelong Learner.

The Creed and Oath of the Lifelong Learner

I was born to learn.
Every cell of my body exists to support my brain in the work of learning, and to benefit from what it has learned.
Every relationship with every person in my life provides me an environment for learning.
Every experience provides an opportunity for learning.
With such an opportunity at hand daily, the refusal to learn is at best folly, and at worst sin.
THEREFORE...

When I fail, I will learn.
When I succeed, I will learn.
In every circumstance, I will learn.
From every person possible, I will learn.
When I envy someone, I will learn how they obtained what I wish I had.
When I disagree with someone, I will learn how they reached such outrageous conclusions.
When I have someone working against me, I will learn what makes them think I'm worth the trouble.
Every day, I will learn.

And because knowledge and wisdom both increase as they are shared, I will share what I learn, that I may better learn more, and bathe in the joy of learning with my fellow learners, whoever and wherever they may be.
And when learning is air and light and food and drink to me, then...
I will be unstoppable.

5 x 5 - A Transdimensional, Transformational Matrix

My @elwin15208 Twitter profile says:

"Level 1 = hate the player. Level 2 = hate the game. Level 3 = learn to play. I strive for Level 5."

I'm just a tiny bit disappointed that no one has ever asked me, "What's Level 5? For that matter, what's Level 4?"

But since you're here and I'm here and it's late, I'll tell you.

Level 4 = play the game really well.

Level 5 = create your own game. That can be an extension of Level 4, where you play the game so supremely that even people on the court/field with you acknowledge that while you're both in the same physical space, you are playing a different game from the one they're playing. Even a non-sports fan like me feels safe in saying, "There's basketball, and then there's that thing that Michael Jordan did."

Or it can truly be a new game, in which you write your own rules. Maybe you even invite others to play.

Level 5, you see, is the level of creativity.

I don't remember when, where or how I first began thinking in terms of Level 5. But it was some years ago, and over the years, I have become quite fond of the construct, which grew into the idea that in any endeavor, any field, any area, there always a Level 5.

Or to put it differently, that Level 5 is always available. We can choose the level from which we will operate

Such thinking has been useful; it has helped me to challenge myself with questions like, "What level am I acting from?" or "What would be a Level 5 response to this situation?"

I have even imagined that "Level 5" (tm) could become a fashion label, with designs that convey a sense of freedom and creativity that makes classics contemporary.

(Okay, that last part is my way of saying that for me, the 1940s were the peak of fashion. I want Indiana Jones's look from the last scene of "Raiders." Anyway...)

Somewhere along the way I devised a set of five 5s. I heartily proclaim them unscientific, although the "Experiencing Life" one cribs from Abraham Maslow.

FIVE LEVELS OF GAMES (all kinds of games...)
Level 1: Hate the player
Level 2: Hate the game
Level 3: Learn to play
Level 4: Play excellently
Level 5: Create your own game

FIVE ECONOMIC LEVELS
Level 1: Lack
Level 2: Sufficiency
Level 3: Excess
Level 4: Wealth
Level 5: Abundance

FIVE LEVELS OF EXPERIENCING LIFE
Level 1: Basic physiological needs
Level 2: Safety needs
Level 3: Psychological needs
Level 4: Self-Actualization
Level 5: Peak Experiences

FIVE COMPONENTS OF PERSONHOOD
Level 1: Behavior
Level 2: Emotion
Level 3: Intellect
Level 4: Will
Level 5: Spirit

FIVE LEVELS OF ACTIVITY IN THE WORLD
Level 1: Destructive
Level 2: Reparative
Level 3: Preventive
Level 4: Cultivative
Level 5: Creative

I may expound on those later; I may not. Buried in the cross-hatch are implications and notions (not developed theses) like defaulting to ecstasy, the abundant nature of the physical world and the infinitude of creativity, and the sufficiency of operating from Level 3 most of the time  - and for Christians, the extremity of redemption and the supremacy of the resurrected spirit (Level 5 of personhood; for the non-Christian, the highest level would be the will.)

But not tonight.aysl