A Shift In Being - From Fear To Desire (1 of 2)

In Thursday's post, I promised that next I would write about "What happened earlier yesterday that made last night's experience even more deeply impressive."

I meant to write it sooner, while the memory was more vivid than it is now.

Now I don't know how to describe it...

I experienced a new degree of the desire to love.

I have changed over the years. Different propositions have taken hold in my mind, or heart - or simply in my brain, for those of that bent.

First, "I should love my neighbor." It is commanded.

Second, "I am afraid to love my neighbor." I don't know these people - I don't know their intents, or what they're capable of.

Third, "I must love my neighbor." Regardless of fear, it is commanded.

Now, "I want to love my neighbor." My neighbor is precious and contains great value, and the life that I have been given in Christ, loves.

I want everyone I know, everyone who experiences me, to experience being loved. Being valued. Being served. I want to love others into freedom. I want to demonstrate the love of God, radiant and relentless.

Of course, I cannot demonstrate that love alone. That is what the Body of Christ is for. But still, the intensity of the desire to love was breathtaking.

And I don't know what to do with that.

That's an observation, not a complaint. I believe that I will learn; that You, Lord, want to teach me.

I think a lot of it will have to do with hugs.

So, that was Wednesday afternoon/evening. Then, late Wednesday, the urging toward urgency. My days are numbered, and I do not know the number, but I do know that every day, it is reduced by one.

TR = X - 1

Time remaining in days = total time in days (unknown) minus one day.

I need to love, more deeply, more broadly, more consistently, than ever before.

I also need to make more money and create or acquire more assets than ever before.

Those things do not conflict. The second must be the result of the first, and driven by the first.

I need to earn enough to care for my household. This includes creating legacy income for Janet, should I predecease her.

I need to earn enough to help take care of Mom.

I need to earn enough to have something to share with the needy.

I need to do this soon.

TR = X - 1.

NEXT: A Shift In Being - To Be A Neighbor (2 of 2)

Notes from a homegoing service

12 hours ago, I was sitting in the auditorium of Petra International Ministries, attending the homegoing service for Cora Mae Raiford and her oldest son, Kenneth Joseph Raiford. I wrote about it for "My Homewood."

I did not say this there: I am challenged by the reminder that we...no, that I...must love.

That loving is not sentiment. That it is practical. That it requires wisdom (for love seeks and works for the benefit of the beloved, and knowing what would benefit the beloved requires wisdom).

There was more, but this is enough for now: I must love.

Most of the time, I do not want to love. Most of the time, I want to regard my fellow humans as disposable objects of amusement or annoyance or financing...whatever, depending on my mood. Not as splendid creatures "walking around shining like the sun." (I think that's from Henri Nouwen's "The Wounded Healer").

(3/3/12: Nope. It's Thomas Merton, "Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander": There is no way to telling people that they are walking around shining like the sun...")