Yesterday, a friend posted a link on Facebook to a two-year-old blog post from Raptitude.com, titled "Procrastination is not laziness."
Reading that piece revived the memory of something that I've intended to write about ever since it happened a couple of years ago:
I had an appointment Downtown with a
friend at something like 8 a.m. I arrived late, she forgave me, and
we had our meeting.
Nothing unusual about that. What was
unusual was what happened along the way.
As I was preparing to leave, and I saw
that I was running late, I became hyper-alert, evaluating every
action in terms of whether it would speed up or slow down the process
of getting to the appointment, and issuing myself commands like, “Put
shirt on before pants so that you don't have to undo pants to tuck in
shirt,” and “Stuff tie in pocket and put it on and tie it while in
the car, at stop lights.”
That's not the unusual part; that
happens often when I'm running late. The unusual part was that this
time, for the first time, I realized that I enjoyed it.
A LOT.
In the last minutes before the house
and in the car on the way Downtown, I was so aware of both my
behavior and my environment, I felt so much in control, I was so
decisive, and so just plain smart in judging the outcomes of specific
actions, that I was totally jazzed.
All because I was running late.
That realization evoked a couple of
questions. First, “Do I tend to run late for appointments because I
get such a rush from running late, because I enjoy the hyper-alertness
so much?” Second, “Can I learn to experience that hyper-alertness
without running late – or more precisely, how can I learn to
experience that hyper-alertness without running late?”
The answer to the first question is,
“Well, DUH!” It's a cheap thrill.
I consider the second question more
useful, and am a bit annoyed with myself for not having thoroughly
followed up on it. I really like the guy that sometimes emerges
when I'm running late, and want to see a lot more of him, without
having to trigger anxiety or to jack up my reputation to do so (avoidable
tardiness is rude, after all).
***************
***************
Missing appointments times is not the
only way of running late. One can also run late by missing deadlines
for doing things.
And dang it, I've found a way to
experience a thrill with that, too.
I'm sorry to say that I learned this –
trick? Technique? - I learned of this possibility in fifth or sixth
grade. Here's how:
There was some sort of class project
with a deadline. A fundraiser, I think. I waited until the last
minute to do it, then did a good enough job that my teacher praised
me, in front of everybody - not just for doing a good job, but for coming from behind and pulling it off at the last minute.
Which taught me that one way to gain
public praise is by pulling things off at the last minute.
Man, I wish I could unlearn that
lesson.
***************
But perhaps I don't need to unlean it;
perhaps ignoring it will suffice. It may help if I pay more attention
to a different memory, a different type of memory.
I was early once.
Okay, I've been early more than once,
but this occasion became special. Again, I had a meeting Downtown,
and this time I arrived early enough so that I spent some time
sitting in my car, in what was then Kaufmann's parking garage. I
don't remember all that I did during that time, but I do remember
this.
I loved it.
The absolute lack of anxiety provided
its own thrill, one that I want to remember more often, in order to
seek it more often.
I think the key to change in this area
is not to make myself feel bad about being late – I've tried that a
lot, for a long time, and it hasn't worked – but to help myself
feel great about being early.
***************
***************
So here's the dream: not just to be
on time, nor just to be early, but to gain a reputation for being
early.
What if I was the guy who was already
at the meeting place when the other person arrived? How would that
feel?
What if, when people came to pick me
up, I were waiting on my front porch? How would that feel?
What if someone who met me tomorrow
would say a year from now, “I've never known him to be late.”?
Now, THAT would be a thrill!
How do I become that guy? I can start
by acknowledging that I already am that guy – he's in me, I just
need to let him out more often. At some points in my life, I have
already engaged in the specific behaviors needed to be early. I just
need to engage in them more often.
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