I've often asked myself why I do this. The only hypothesis I have come up with so far is that deep down I feel like I haven't done enough yet to justify going to bed. Like I need to earn the right to sleep. Like I need to do just a little more.
That is absurd, of course. But so often, I feel the need to do more. As if I must not only earn the right to sleep, but that I must justify having taken up space on the planet today.
I fear that some sort of sin or unbelief lies at the bottom of all this. Am I refusing to trust You to bless my day's work as You see fit? Or for that matter, to forgive my day's messups? Do I believe that the more I do in a given day, the more favor I will earn with You?
Or do I despise the body You gave me, and in fact the entire order of physical creation, that necessitates sleep? Do I resent needing rest?
I hope not. But I know this is true...I know that I often come to the end of the day feeling that I need to do more. There is so much to do, all the time, that one day's work never seems to be enough. Worse, I often have no confidence that what I have done has truly blessed anyone.
O, Lord, is there a way to know at the end of each day that I have created value for my fellow humans?
There is ALWAYS so much more to do....
I take some - solace? - I draw some confidence from being nearly done reading David Allen's "Getting Things Done." I think it will help me to a higher level of productivity; maybe a couple of levels.
I'm not even trying to start with his "Collection" process, because my office and our house have reached such a state of clutter that I feel the need to simply pitch a lot of stuff before digging into his system. Got a start yesterday by hauling a bunch of magazines to Half Price Books. Before I'm done, I'm likely to haul a bunch more out there, along with boxes of books.
I really, really need to let go of unused and/or unlikely-to-be-used stuff that hinders my ability to function just by its sheer quantity. I can barely move in my office, and absolutely dread looking for anything.
It's time to de-clutter. My office. My house. My brain.
Right now, the last of those means letting go of the need to do more when my body is saying, "Sleep, fool!"